


What if Rómeó és Júlia had been a comedy...?

by drcalvin



Category: Rómeó és Júlia (Színház)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Crossdressing, Dark Comedy, Disguise, Multi, What-If, things that never happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:52:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drcalvin/pseuds/drcalvin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some alternate endings to the story of Romeo and Julia, where I imagine how the story could've gone if the play had actually been a comedy. With a wide definition of "comedy".</p>
<p>#1 - The one with crossdressing a.k.a. in silly Shakespeare style <br/>#2 - The dark comedy one a.k.a. the Black Widow trope<br/>#3 - The other one with crossdressing a.k.a. I listened too much to Én és a kisöcsém</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The one with crossdressing

"We could have a double wedding," Lady Capulet said, "with Julia marrying Lord Paris. And as soon as she returns, we can speak to Lady Romina marrying our Tybalt. That would put an end to these nasty rumors!"

"Mother, please, I beseech you," Julia said. "Father, don't force me to betray my heart in this way." 

"We have no other choice," Lord Capulet replied. "Where else would we find a man of means who would take you in your disgrace?"

The balcony door slammed open, and lady Romina stormed in, her eyes flashing dangerously. "I will! Because she is already me beloved." 

With those words, 'Romina' tore open her dress, revealing a flat chest beneath Nurse's missing herb pouches.

"Oh, Romeo…" Julia reached for his hands. "Benvolio found you in time, God bless him!" 

"Romeo?" Tybalt, entirely forgetting to keep stealthy, stumbled from the curtains. "You – Romeo Montague?"

"I'm sorry for the deception," Romeo said, squeezing Julia's hands in his own, gloved ones. "But I had to do it! Lord Capulet, I have never cared for feuds or duels. Your daughter is all I love and cherish in the world, and if you but let me, I will make her my lawful wife."

"But you and Tybalt…" Lord Capulet looked to his wife for support, who only shook her head in confusion. "Did the servants not find you together in the gardens? And the attic? And behind the kitchen shed?"

Romeo blushed, and Julia hurried to explain. "Father, it was I who was with Romeo in the attic, as well as behind the kitchen shed. Speaking, only! Of how we should solve this dreadful mess."

"And the gardens?"

"That was me," Tybalt muttered, glaring down at his boots. "But she – he – Nothing happened, Uncle."

Romeo cleared his throat. "Indeed not. And I am secretly engaged to Julia, with Friar Lawrence as our witness."

"Romeo is the husband of my heart, and if you do not give him to me properly, we shall elope!" Julia proclaimed. "Can you not see how far he will go for me, even renouncing his manhood for a while?"

"WellI…" Lord Capulet hesitated. "I suppose the Montague name, despite our differences, isn't below your stature."

"But what about Lord Paris?" asked Lady Capulet. "We have already promised him your hand in marriage, daughter!"

Tybalt heaved a sigh. "Julia, you truly love this rascal?"

"I do, cousin, to death and beyond."

"Right." He nodded, then clapped his hands together. "I think I can talk Paris out of it then."

"But what about finding a wife for you? I must admit, seeing you take so to Lady Romina was heartening." Lord Capulet took hold of Lady Capulet's hand. "As I have myself come to realize in these last days, a supportive wife is something that will keep your heart warm long after the fires of passion have faded. And of course, where the heart is warm, the ember of love can alight again…" 

"Not before the children, my dear," Lady Capulet said and kissed his cheek.

Tybalt fidgeted, then glanced at Romeo. "I fear that I shall just have to keep looking, my lord. For a while yet."

"I'm fairly certain Lord Paris will be grateful for your friendship and company," Romeo said, his blush creeping ever higher on his cheeks. "In fact, if Mercutio's tales are true, you may even go looking for wives together."

"Yes, well, let's not be too hasty," Tybalt mumbled, just as Julia gasped and covered her mouth.

"Was that why you followed Lady Romina everywhere? I thought you were suspicious of her identity!"

"So," Romeo continued loudly, "will you allow me to court your daughter, Lord Capulet?"

The old lord pondered the question for a moment, finally looking towards his wife. She rolled her eyes, and mouthed something that caused a small smile to grace his features. "Young love, and young foolishness… But perhaps it is only by making your own mistakes you can gain any semblance of wisdom. Yes; I agree to your proposal."

"Oh Romeo!" 

"Oh Julia!"

When the loving couple kissed, enthusiastically, Tybalt winced and stalked away. Just as he reached the doorway, he paused, frowned, and turned back. "Montague! Don't think this means I have made peace with the rest of your stinking family! Or Mercutio, for that matter."

"Dear coz, you haven't forgotten Mercutio and Paris are related?"

"Don't worry about that," Romeo mumbled, before pressing another kiss to Julia's cheek. "If there's one person Mercutio dislikes more than Tybalt, it's his cousin Paris."

"Oh. Well, in that case…" And they returned to kissing, their love finally freed from deceit and disguise.


	2. The dark comedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what if Júlia had agreed to that marriage...?

The young widow Escalus dabbed her eyes with a lacy black handkerchief. "So young and handsome, my Lord Paris; how I wish that we had had more time together." She dropped the usual bundle of lavender and white tulips on his grave and kissed the cool marble. 

"There, my dove," her old Nurse said, helping the pregnant widow rise. "I am certain that he rejoices in heaven for having left you with child, so that his line may live on."

"Indeed," Julia replied laying a careful hand over her round belly. It would not be long now. "Has squire Robert returned from the villa in Mantua yet?"

"Not when we left, no." 

Lady Capulet having left her own flowers on her son-in-law's grave, pursed her lips. "I don't know why you keep that man around, Julia; there's something uncanny about him."

"Shush now, you should not belittle a man who has suffered such as Robert. It is not his fault that his scars are so severe."

"I don't only mean his mask or that he cannot speak," Lady Capulet protested. "He moves like a wraith through this house, only coming alive when he is with you!"

"How could he do anything else? Robert lost his friends and family in an awful fire. And then to live here in Verona, in the house of Capulet so filled with ghosts… my cousin, my husband who died on his wedding night. No, he is only sensitive to all the pain. Once we move to Mantua, then I am sure he will come out of his shell. Anyway, is the least I could do for the man who avenged Tybalt and brought back the Montague's bloody shirt, to help him begin anew." 

"It is the Christian thing to do," the Nurse agreed and helped Julia up the step.

Julia sighed happily as she settled into the carriage, arranging her widow's blacks around her. "Don't worry, mother. Soon I shall have my cherished child, and all the bad memories will be behind us. And, perhaps, in Mantua I shall have another chance at finding a man to love…"

"That is a good idea," her mother agreed. "I am sad that you and Paris only had one night as a married couple, but I suppose you are very young yet. Better look to the future, and find yourself a husband. Although I wish you could remain here in Verona until you found one."

The Nurse and Julia exchanged a look, then Nurse patted her hand. "You heard what Friar Lawrence said before he left for his pilgrimage. Verona has bad air, and it is not safe to raise an innocent babe here."

"Indeed." Julia's smile was angelic. "The air of Verona can drive even the gentlest hand to murder; why, was not Romeo the most peaceful of all Montagues? And yet he slayed my cousin and then returned unseen to cut my husband's throat on our very wedding night. But in Mantua, everything will be better…"


	3. The other one with crossdressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the title song from "Én és a kisöcsém", Me and my little brother. An operett where Dolhai Attila 'adopts' Szinetár Dóra as his little brother, and they sing a song about being manly men together: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aPJFVttAD8

"Who's the shrimp?" Benvolio has asked when Romeo turned up with a downy-cheeked boy in tow.

"This is Juu, uh –"

"Justinian," the kid had said, aggressively stepping into Benvolio's space and glaring at him. "And what's it to you, tiny?"

("Justinian?" Romeo asked, temporarily ignored by all present.)

"Tiny!" Benvolio shrieked, stepping even closer and using the thumb – nay, two thumbs almost – of height he had on Justinian to its full advantage. "You're the rudest little brat I've met in ages, and I know Petrarch's get."

He shoved the aggravating little kid away, surprised when he almost lifted Justinian off his feet. "What are you, twelve? And underfed?"

"I'll show you underfed!"

The fight that ensued had Mercutio making puns about the battle of the shrimps for three days, and cost Benvolio a bite to his ear (Justinian) and a broken nose (Romeo, when Benvolio retaliated by giving Justinian a black eye). 

After that, they swore friendship for life. Once Romeo had apologized. And they'd found a cold compress cloth for Benvolio's nose, which in retrospect was maybe only a little broken. 

The week that followed was exciting and cemented their friendship. The Capulet's were tearing Verona apart hunting for their missing treasure, while Romeo was eager to show Justinian every hidden corner in the city. The flew from the Prince's men more than once, and nearly ended up in a battle with Tybalt Capulet; for once, Justinian's courage seemed to desert him and he lead the flight.

"We should go to the baths," Benvolio suggested once they had sidled out from church – Lady Montague, she of the fiery breath and well-tied purse-string, had been most insistent they attend today. "Take a day off from exploring, relax."

"No!" Romeo said. "That would be a very bad idea."

"I can't go with you," Justinian said at the same time. "My… health. Born with moist lungs, the doctor has forbidden steam. Can't do it, sorry."

They climbed the clock tower instead, bringing along enough spiced wine to last the night.

"So tell me, Benvolio," Mercutio asked once the empty bottles outnumbered the full and the moon stood high above them, giving a gleam of madness to his eyes. "Do you enjoy watching Romeo snuffle at that little puppy, is that it? Hoping to share his charms?"

"Hm? He's finally got a little brother! 's sweet, I think."

"Brother my ass! That is not how a man looks at his brothers, unless they are shield-fellows in Sparta." Mercutio swigged more wine, and began to ramble on about Greeks and their unhappy destinies. Honestly, Benvolio tuned most of it out.

But he retained that bit, and thus wasn't entirely surprised when, exactly a month after Justinian had joined their gang, Romeo and the boy turned up hand in hand.

"My friend, I have a great favor to ask of you," Romeo said.

Benvolio had immediate visions of a mother's fury. "Great indeed."

"Please, Benvolio," Justinian said, his voice breaking. "This is the most important letter in the world."

He was so tiny! "I can't believe you settled on," Benvolio waved his hand in Justinian's direction. "Couldn't be more unlike Rosa or the others."

"Oh! You already know then." Romeo, the shameless bastard, beamed at him. "Will you help us spill the news?"

"They'll kill me, you know," Benvolio said, imagining Lady Montague and her soldiers. "Skin me alive." 

And then she'd bury him. Upside down in unhallowed ground and that only if Romeo's letter didn't mention that the person who had made him realize he was a sodomite was probably barely thirteen. If it did, Benvolio figured she'd turn him into kindling.

"No. No, I believe that now, finally, they will see what matters. We only know to value what we have once we've lost it, but perhaps by finding it again…" Romeo gave Justinian a long, soppy look (Wow, he really owed Mercutio an apology) and seemed to forget Benvolio's presence entirely.

He cleared his throat. "Letter?"

"Yes. Yes, the letter. It explains everything, including that Friar Lawrence supports us in this."

"He _does_?"

"If only you can bring this to Lord Capulet –"

"Lord whonow?"

"– then I am sure he will be able to calm Tybalt and mother down," Justinian, who really did have an exceptionally high voice, continued. 

"Mother?" Benvolio's own voice was rising in pitch, and he closed his mouth with a snap. Then he looked at Justinian again, really looked, as he (and Mercutio) clearly should have done much earlier. 

"Please, Benvolio?"

Three things occurred to Benvolio in that moment: One, if he accepted this mission, he could foist off the task of revealing Romeo's true love to his mother on someone else. Two, Tybalt would try to kill him and he'd be at disadvantage in Capulet territory. 

But, and most importantly, three: Lady Montague was much scarier than Tybalt. Also, Benvolio's bed stood deep in Montague territory.

And fourth…

"I'll do it," he exclaimed, earning grateful smiles from Romeo and his – bride. Huh, odd to think of Romeo settling down with one girl. Almost as odd as seeing him give up girls entirely. "But first, shrimp, you and I have a little scene to set up. With Mercutio as the audience."


End file.
